AOL File Library: 4,401 to 4,500/aol-file-protocol-4400-4401-to-4500.zip/AOLDLs/Winter Sports Library/(ANY) Figure Skating Fiction/Skaters' Revenge III

Text File | 2014-12-08 | 33KB | 641 lines

Skater's Revenge 3-The Plot of the IMG Group

   Jerry walked into the lobby of a seedy hotel where her stayed and
saw a magazine on a table. On its cover was a lovely young woman
with chestnut brown hair, blue eyes and a dazzling smile. She wore a
black and white skating costume.
   Jerry cursed. It was the hell spawn, the demon-woman Nancy. She
had ruined his life, his marriage and his career. He imagined her
perfect white teeth turning black and falling out. He paused to sketch
an inverted shamrock on the picture.
   He ascended the stairs and checked his door. The light-colored
threads were taped across the door intact. No one had entered. He
stepped inside and closed the door
   A light blazed inside the squalid room. A glowing purple and green
dinosaur appeared. On its chest was an inverted shamrock. B'harne,
the spirit of the cheesy, the Anti-Nancy.
   "I have returned." said the apparition.
   "You honor me, Lord B'harne." replied Jerry.
   "Soon I will appear to you in my physical form." replied the image.
"But first I have a job for you."

**********************************************************************

   Jason steered his mech down an alley in Sarjevo. The howitzer
showed clearly on his scanner. Several men in Serbian garb fired at
his dinomech. The bullets bounced off harmlessly. Then another man
pointed a rocket-propelled grenade at the dinomech and fired. It
bounced off.
   He hit the stunbeam and the Serbs fell limply. Then he destroyed
the howitzer and reported in. After the United Nations commander
verified his report, he resumed patrol.
   Jason cursed. He, leader of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers,
reduced to peacekeeping duty in Bosnia! Plus the UN had crippled his
mech so he couldn't escape. How humiliating! And they had put him
and rest of the team on methadone. I want some codeine or
morphine. Or any other opiate. Even some poppy seeds!
   He turned into another alley and saw a man. The fellow raised his
hand, revealing a card with an inverted shamrock. Jason smiled. It
was Jerry. A kook, but a partner in arms still. Jason brought the
mech alongside him.
   Jerry tossed him a bottle. Jason caught it and looked at the
contents.
   "Opiates!" he shouted, chugging the brown liquid with delight.
   Jerry raised his arm and spoke. All the mech's systems came to full
power.
   "Jammin'!" shouted Jason.
   "Let's do the same for your companions." said Jerry.

**********************************************************************

   Deep under a mountain outside of Zurich, Switzerland, the board of
the International Money Grubbers met. Gnomes from Zurich scurried
around, cleaning the table and chairs. Others fetched coffee and food.
   A puce and purple phone rang. A man in black answered.
   "Our Bosnia contact reports that all is well." he said.
   "Excellent, Byrun Hoser." replied another man. His face was hidden,
but the rest of his body showed. He stroked a white cat in his lap.

**********************************************************************

   "I'm giving you magic powers" said the Fan Godfather to Nancy.
"I'm going to Valhalla for a convention. My boat leaves soon."
   "You don't need to do that." said Nancy. "I'll be fine. It's too much
trouble."
   "That's sweet." replied the Fan Godfather. "But I'm doing what any
other live-in worshipper would do."
   "You're right." she sighed. "I'm not used to having a resident
worshiper, especially one who's a minor deity."
   "Think of it as compensation for being media-mauled." he replied.
   "Yes." replied Nancy. "Like the time you ran the press out of the
Cape with a pack of velociraptors?"
   "Yes." replied the Fan Godfather.
   "Or the time you made Elvis Presely appear on the beach to distract
the media?" said Nancy.
   "Wasn't that fun?" he stated. "The tabloids had a field day."
   "Having him sing Barry Manilow songs was a great comic touch."
giggled Nancy.
   "To business." said the Fan Godfather. "You can become invisible at
will. Anyone with you or any vehicle you're in will become invisible."
   He tossed her a hockey stick.
   "Say 'triple flutz'." he instructed.
   She did so and the hockey stick glowed.
   "It's the Holy Hockey Stick of Antioch." he said. "With it you can
bash your enemies to bits. This will work for anything else."
   "Neat." said Nancy.
   A boat appeared beside the Fan Godfather. He boarded it and the
boat vanished.
   Nancy went to the rink and spent two hours on the ice. Then drove
to a small hamlet near the Cape to do holiday shopping. It had a
small but complete shopping mall. It also catered to people who
wanted peace and privacy. She parked her car and went in through
the back door.
   As she walked past a bookstore, a paperback titled 'The
Dollyknockers' caught her eye. She went in and read the back cover.
It described a attack by a gang of demonic dolls from a dollmaker in
Innsmouth. The author was Steven Klang. She picked it up and went
around the store, picking up books from her gift list.
   But while Nancy shopped for books, a dark-haired woman in pink
entered a combined toy and sporting goods store. She went directly
to the doll section and found the dolls of a famous Massachusetts
figure skater. Grinning evily, she put an inverted shamrock sticker
on each doll. Then she left, evil thoughts churning within.
   Won't you be surprised, ice princess with toothy grin, she thought.
I'd love to see the look on your face when your dolls become
berserker golems. She spoke the activation word. B'harne had many
powers
  After buying the books, Nancy went to another store, a combined
sporting goods and toy seller. She went down the aisles, putting a
item from her gift list into her basket. Then she came to the doll
section and saw a male shopper. She looked at the picture on the
book. It was the author. She approached carefully.
   The man turned to face her. He held a doll wearing a figure skater's
costume, a shiny beige dress.
   "You're such a doll, Nancy." he said with a twinkle in his eye and a
smile.
   Nancy giggled. At least the famous author, Steven Klang, had a
sense of humor.
   "What brings a famous skater to this humble shop?" asked Klang.
   "The same thing that brings a famous author." she answered.
"Anonymity."
   "True." replied Klang. "I noticed something. The doll's figure is
exactly like yours. I thought the toymaker would, er, emphasize
certain features."
   "That's why I told them to be precise." replied Nancy. "Since girls
use dolls for their body image I figured it would be better for then
have something real."
   "I like that." replied Klang. "Why does this doll have an inverted
shamrock on the arm? Why does it glow?" He handed the doll to
Nancy.
   "The inverted shamrock is the sign of the Anti-Nancy." she replied.
"A work of my former agent and the media."
   "I see." replied Klang. "They're really carrying this a bit far, aren't
they?"
   "Yes." replied Nancy. "There are always kooks."
   There was a unearthly screech. The doll grew to six feet and
sprouted claws. So did the rest.
   "B'harne's work!" shouted Nancy. She and Klang ran to the sporting
goods section, seeking the hockey equipment. Once there, she
grabbed a hockey stick and said,
   "Triple flutz!"
   The stick glowed, turning green, yellow and gold.
   "Catch!" she said, tossing the stick to Klang. She gave another stick
the same treatment.
   "I'll attack from the front." she said. "You hit 'em from the rear."
   One of the golems grabbed the store manager. Nancy rushed up
and clubbed it. It released him and turned to Nancy.
   "Exterminate, exterminate." droned the golem.
   "Shut up!" yelled Nancy. She swung the Holy Hockey Stick of
Antioch, smashing the doll's head. The golem fell.
   Unbeknownst to Nancy, a golem snuck up behind her and swung a
chair. The chair stopped in mid-air and the golem disintegrated.
   Klang peered down an aisle and saw four golems advanced on
Nancy. He charged forward, clubbing one down.
   The other three turned around. Each had an inverted shamrock on
their chests, plus another symbol. It was the female symbol, but with
a Nazi swastika inside the head part. The golems wielded knives.
They advanced on him, crying-
   "Bobbit weave! Bobbit weave!"
   Klang swung the hockey stick, chopping a golem in half.
   "Dittos!" he shouted. The golems moaned in pain and clutched their
ears. Klang rushed forward and decapitated the monsters.
   Another golem fell before a stroke from Nancy. The others
advanced chanting,
   "Error! Must sterilize!"
   "I hate doppelgangers!" she shouted, pointing the stick at them. A
bolt of green lighting struck down two golems.
   Yes! thought Nancy. She pointed it at two more golems and green
lighting blasted them down.
   Nancy and Klang destroyed all the golems in the shop.
   "We must tell the authorities." said Nancy.
   A man walked up and showed a badge. It read 'The Authorities".
   "All I ever wanted to do was skate!" she cried.
   Mattel issued a recall for Nancy dolls. The altered ones were
destroyed. Nancy went on television to assure the little girls of
America that their dollies were safe. Mattel's stock price rose to
normal levels.

**********************************************************************

   A man in black left the mall where Nancy and Klang had fought the
golems. He drove to the countryside and set up a satellite antenna.
   Seconds later, a similar antenna on the top of a mountain outside
Zurich, Switzerland picked up the signal. The receiver sent the data
to Byrun Hoser's office. He reviewed the data and pictures, then went
to see Raisin Cane.
   "The golems have failed, Raisin Cane." said Byrun Hoser.
   "I know." replied Raisin Cane. "But Mattel stock prices fell when the
news came out. We bought much. When Kerrigan did her appearance
the shock shot up and we sold. We made money and are in a better
takeover position."
   "Understood, Raisin Cane." said Byrun Hoser.
   "We must have her." said Raisin Cane. "Kidnap Kerrigan."
   "As you wish, Raisin Cane." replied Byrun Hoser.
   Byrun Hoser sent the order.

**********************************************************************

   Several thousand miles away, a intercepted the IMG message and
decoded it. He smiled. For such a large company, IMG sure had lousy
encryption.
   The former NSA cryptographer looked at the picture of Nancy on
his wall and sighed. How could anyone want to hurt someone so
sweet and lovely? She had her faults, but who didn't? He printed out
the message and drove to a skating rink. Once inside he went directly
to the ice and called out,
   "Irish eyes are shining."
   An intense Canadian man finished a triple axel and raced to
rinkside. He read the printout and said,
   "Bring the VTOL and the ladies. Action time."

**********************************************************************

   Nancy put on her inline skates and pads. The interview with the
authorities had been grueling. She hit the street, moving with her
usual grace.
   A black car whizzed by, barely missing her. She saw a logo on its
side, a hand grabbing a fistful of dollar bills.
   "Where'd you get your driver's license, J-mart?!" she shouted.
   The car swung around and headed toward her.
   Nancy skated away. The IMG car rapidly gained on her. She three-
turned and dug her heel brake in.
   The driver hit the brakes, but couldn't decelerate like Nancy. She
vaulted onto the hood of the car. The driver, his vision impaired,
swerved erratically.
   Nancy broke out the driver's side window with her rollerblade and
viciously kicked the driver. She jumped off, landing on a right back
outside edge. The car hit a dumpster, spilling the contents. A broken
broomstick skittered over to Nancy. She picked it up and yelled
"triple flutz!". The stick transformed into a fighting club.
   Three MIB's on rollerblades jumped from the car. Nancy attacked,
swinging the Holy Broomstick of Antioch. The end became a boxing
glove on a spring. It reached out and smacked an MIB. He fell, and
bird songs played as dollar bills and gold coins circled his head.
   The other two MIB's charged on, unfazed. The magic stick changed
into two mallets. Nancy three-turned, bonking each man as she
finished the edge change. They fell, dollars and coins circling their
heads.
   "Stop!" yelled a savage voice.
   Nancy turned, seeing a large MIB with an equally large pistol. He
pointed it at large anthropoid female mouse wearing a skirt and high
heels.
   "Surrender or she dies!" said the MIB.
   Nancy deactivated the magic stick and put it down. Then four black
cars and a dozen MIB's surrounded her.
   The man slumped down, releasing the mouse. Four bloodcurdling
avian screams split the air. Four velociraptors charged into the circle.
Five of the MIB's bolted. A 'raptor ran to the cartoon mouse and she
hopped onto her back.
   A Canadian man ran into the circle. He dispatched two of the MIB's
with swift karate blows and motioned to Nancy. She followed him.
   The 'raptor with the mouse on her back joined them. Then an
aircraft with a maple leaf and a right-side-up shamrock dropped out
of the sky. The VTOL stopped a few inches above the ground and a
ramp dropped. The biggest 'raptor pulled alongside the man and he
leapt onto her back.
   "Follow me into the VTOL!" said the man.
   The company leapt onto the ramp and it retracted.
   "Are you hurt, Nancy?" asked the Canadian.
   "I'm fine, Elvis Stojko." she responded. "How'd you get the 'raptors?
This aircraft?"
   "One day I went to a theme park on an island off the coast of Costa
Rica. There was an accident in the genetics lab. Four velociraptors
came out, and they could speak. So I gave them all names and taught
them figure skating and karate. They are Hillary, Jocelyn, Donna and
Janet, the teenage mutant figure skating velociraptors. Then I found
a reclusive genius, Tom Q. Vaxy, who needed money. He's a fan of
both of us."
   "Interesting." said Nancy.
   From a secret base in New Jersey, three F-14's with IMG markings
took off.
   "Strap in." came a voice over the intercom. "Incoming IMG fighters."
   "Sir, IMG fighters attacking an aircraft carrying Nancy Kerrigan."
said a sergeant at the North American Air Defense Command.
   "What!" roared the commander in chief of NORAD. "Scramble all
fighters. Retarget the orbital lasers. Go to DEFCON two. I want those
IMG aircraft dead no matter what!"
   Fighters roared into the air at full afterburner. Attack helicopters
and Harriers streaked to intercept. FBI agents and Federal marshals
raced toward Nancy's condo in Cape Cod and her parent's house in
Stoneham. A helicopter carrying the Hostage Rescue Team (HRT)
lifted off from Quantico. The President declared a national
emergency. A joint statement from Congress expressed support for
Nancy.
   The IMG pilots looked at their radar screens and gasped. Squadrons
of angry American planes were converging on them. They broke off.
   "IMG fighters breaking off." said Tom over the intercom.
   "Thank goodness." said Stojko. "I have to tend to the 'raptors. I'll be
back."
   He walked back to see the 'raptors.
   Nancy, now alone, burst into tears.
   "Everybody hates me!" she sobbed. "Must I be perfect?"
   Tom, seeing Nancy sobbing, switched to autopilot and went to her.
She would not suffer alone! Not his Nancy, pure radiant mistress of
the blade! He sat beside her and puts his arms around her. Sappy
violin music sounded from the intercom speaker.
   "You're so beautiful and sweet." he said with deep sincerity.
"Lovely as a full moon on a winter night."
   "Thank you." she said, burying her face in his shoulder and crying.
   Tom soothed her by patting her back gently and stroking her
cheek. Soon Nancy stopped crying. Then Tom told her about NORAD
going to DEFCON 2, the statements from the White House, the military
response. Her eyes grew wider with each sentence.
   "There's many more people who love you than hate you." said Tom.
"Like me."
   "Thank you." she replied. "Where are we going now?"
   "To the Brian Orser base." answered Tom. "He hates IMG."

**********************************************************************

   Inside the IMG group's underground headquarters in Zurich, Byrun
Hoser walked into the presence of Raisin Cane.
   "The kidnapping was foiled by Elvis Stojko and a four sentient
velociraptors. They escaped in a strange VTOL."
   "Why didn't you sign him up?" asked Raisin Cane.
   "His Canadian schedule did not fit our contract." answered Byrun
Hoser.
   "And our fighters?" asked Raisin Cane.
   "American aircraft forced them off. NORAD went to DEFCON two
when they discovered the aircraft had Kerrigan aboard." answered
Byrun Hoser.
   "Would that my minions be so devoted!" said Raisin Cane. "And the
Fan Godfather?"
   "We have information on him." replied Byrun Hoser. "There is no
record of his birth. He lives in the same condo as Kerrigan, but never
touches her. There are no medical records on him."
   "What is he?" asked Raisin Cane.
   "A minor deity, Raisin Cane." answered Byrun Hoser.
   "Contact B'harne." ordered Raisin Cane. "Have him take care of the
Fan Godfather. Stojko and Kerrigan must be captured."
   Byrun Hoser's collar became tight and starting choking him.
   "Do not fail me." spoke Raisin Cane. "You know the penalty."

**********************************************************************

   The Fan Godfather accessed the Valhalla infonet for news from
Earth. As soon as her heard about Nancy, he rented a private boat
and drove toward Earth at full speed.
   A massive burst of light stopped the boat.
   "B'harne!" he cursed.
   "Yes." replied the other god. "You shall be imprisoned in a
metaphysical void. I will crush the mortal Nancy and take over IMG."
   "You're worse than Loki." replied the Fan Godfather. At least he
respected women and children. He didn't assume the form of a
cheesy purple and green dinosaur to brainwash rugrats."
   "Romantic fool." sneered B'harne. "I will rule the Earth and remake
into an H.P. Lovecraft novel!"
   The two gods fought.
   "Ha!" called B'harne. "You are imprisoned."
   "As are you." replied the Fan Godfather.
   B'harne howled in rage. He was trapped!
   The Fan Godfather channeled all his power and send a thought to
Dirk. It was "Protect Nancy at all costs."

**********************************************************************

   Dirk was a Nephilum, an immortal metahuman produced by a
union between an angel and a human female. This mating altered
Dirk's genes, giving him superhuman mental and physical powers.
Right now the IMG group was discovering the folly of trying to
harass him.
   Dirk tossed the IMG ninja aside and attacked the other two. Moving
quickly, he dispatched them. They joined the unconscious bodies of
their companions, twenty in all.
   "Next?" he challenged.
   Two jet fighters, each bearing IMG symbols, roared over the hill.
Missiles leapt off the wingtips and sped toward Dirk.
   He snapped his fingers and the missiles exploded harmlessly in
mid-air. The fighters broke off and climbed away. Dirk gestured and
both of the airplane's engines died. Seconds later the pilots ejected.
   "Next?" he challenged.
   Four M1 tanks with IMG markings rolled into view and fired
simultaneously. Dirk gestured and the shells stopped six feet in front
of him. They dropped to the ground unexploded.
   Dirk sent out telekinetic (TK) power. The barrels of the tanks
melted and fused, as did the treads and drivetrains.
   "Any more pathetic gestures?" he said, tapping his foot impatiently.
   Dirk waited for awhile. Nothing happened, so walked over to the
command tank. A TK thrust opened it up and he seized the
commander, lifting his feet off the ground.
   "Tell your boss that the Hammer of God will strike." said Dirk.
   He set the man down and walked away. Then the Fan Godfather's
thought came to him. He ran to a vechile and sped to the Orser base.

**********************************************************************

   Back at Orser base, Brian Orser and several other skaters conferred.
   "We do concur that IMG must be neutralized." said Orser.
   "They sabotaged my dolls and tried to kidnap me!" exclaimed
Nancy. "Any one of you could be next."
   "I want to bonk him senseless!" said a small clay figure.
   "Dirty bird!" said a anthropomorphic coyote.
   "Easy, Wile E. and Bill." soothed Nancy. "You'll get your chance."
   "Me too!" replied a blond teenager in a Russian accent. "They
threaten to poison Snickers bar unless I sign contract. Nekulturny!"
   "Watch your language, Oksana." cautioned Viktor.
   "I say what I want." responded Oksana. "You not like, tough!"
   "Chill out." said Kristi.
   "They have the support of B'harne." stated Dirk. "A being with
similar powers to the Fan Godfather."
   "Where is he?" asked Nancy.
   "He and B'harne fought and are both trapped in a metaphysical
void." answered Dirk. "We'll have to manage without him."
   "Let's do it!" said Katarina. "Down with IMG!"

**********************************************************************

   Dirk stood outside the mountain base of IMG. He surveyed the area,
recalling the stop to pick up two three more allies.
   "In position." he said in a headset mike.
   The four teenage mutant karate velociraptors easily cleared the
ten-foot fence. Once down, Hillary, Donna, and Janet went to
neutralize the Doberman guard dogs. Jocelyn went to a metal box and
opened it. Then a small cartoon person hopped off the velociraptor.
   "Hook up the cable." said Gyro Geartrain.
   "Dude." replied Jocelyn. The 'raptor connected a fiber optic cable to
the box.
   Gyro typed rapidly, quickly cracking the security code.
   "We're in." said Gyro.
   "Mondo cool!" said Jocelyn. "Dirk, go!"
   "Salchow, salchow, salchow." said Dirk.
   The skaters moved through the open gate quickly and quietly.
   Dirk looked at the sky and spoke into his headset mike.
   "Noah's rain" he said.
   Laser beams from orbital stations stabbed down. One beam
destroyed the microwave transmitters on the mountain top. Another
bored into the mountain and destroyed the IMG base power plant.
   Dirk pointed his arm at the base door and though. The doors flew
off their hinges with loud pops and booms.
   Alarms hooted inside the IMG command center. The lights
vanished, replaced by red emergency illumination
   "What is going on?" demanded Raisin Cane.
   "Intruders." said Byrun Hoser.
   "Send out the Power Rangers." said Raisin Cane.
   "At once!" called Hoser and Plague.
   Several mechs resembling extinct animals both dinosaurian and
mammalian converged on the skaters.
   "Let's get 'em, Dirk!" said a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog.
   Sonic raced to a pink mech and leapt up, boring into the underside.
   Kim cursed as all her mech's systems died. Then a hedgehog bored
into the pilot's compartment.
   "It's Sonic!" she exclaimed.
   "You were expecting Madonna?" sneered the hedgehog. He tossed
the girl out the hole he'd made.
   Dirk focused power on a mech looking like a triceratops. The legs
buckled and the sides split open. A yellow-suited girl fell out.
   "My hair is ruined!" she wailed.
   Nancy knelt and pointed a shoulder-fired antiarmour weapon at a
red mech resembling a T. rex.
   "Load it, Mr. Bill." she said.
   Nancy waited until lock-on and pressed the trigger. A missile
struck the mech. An arrogant teenage boy leapt from the fallen
machine and charged toward Nancy.
   "I'll not be beaten by a woman!" he screamed.
   "Sexist pig!" said Nancy. She pointed the Holy Hockey Stick of
Antioch at the boy. A green bolt of lighting stunned him. She walked
over to the boy and turned him face up. His eyes opened.
   "It's Nancy Kerrigan!" he exclaimed.
   "Brilliant." she remarked. "Who'd you think it was, Julia Roberts?
   She grabbed his arm, swung him around twice and tossed him into
a mud pit.
   "Date me!" said the man.
   "In your dreams." responded Nancy. "I'd rather date this story's
author."
   "Shut up!" cried Wile E., tossing an anvil onto the man's head. He
collapsed, birds flying around his head and singing.

*****************************************************************

   Raisin Cane glanced at the status panel and called Hoser and Plague
into his room.
   "They have defeated the Power Rangers." said Raisin Cane. "We
must buy them off. Take your Prozac."
   "They didn't teach us this at Haarvard Business School" replied
Lynn Plague.

*****************************************************************

   Nancy left Wile E. and Mr. Bill to check out a disturbance. She came
to a door, carefully opened it, and stepped through.
   She beheld a large stone chamber with racks upon racks of large
eggs. They were big enough for a person to hatch from.
   "I'm not Ripley." she sang. "My name is Nancy."
   Just then a shell cracked. Nancy turned and beheld a horrifying
sight. An agent was emerging from the egg. He sang,
   "I'm a show-biz agent short and stout,
   All I ever do is spout, spout, spout."
   A dozen more eggs cracked. Twelve identical agents emerged.
   Nancy gasped. They were cloning agents!
   Another egg cracked. This time a man in black appeared. He sang,
   "Secret agent clone, secret agent clone."
   "No!" she shouted. "They're worse than aliens!"
   She raised the Holy Hockey Stick of Antioch skyward. White
lightning leapt from it to all the eggs, reducing them to piles of ashes.
   "Shades of Lovecraft!" she exclaimed.
   When she rejoined Bill and Wile E., Bill remarked,
   "You look like you've been in a pet cemetery."

*****************************************************************

   Kristi and Elvis S. came to a door. Sensors said that Raisin Cane was
behind it. Kristi slapped a plastique charge to the door and activated
the timer. She and Elvis S. ran to a safe spot.
   The plastique exploded, sending the door flying. Kristi and Elvis S.
entered the chamber. They saw Raisin Cane standing behind a desk.
   "Very good." asked the man. "How much do you want to be paid?"
   Kristi and Elvis S burst into hysterical giggles.
   "Are you crazy or just insane?" asked Kristi.
   "Just money hungry." replied Raisin Cane.
   "This is unreal." said Elvis. S. He assumed a mock medical aspect
and said,
   "Dr. Yamaguchi, what is your diagnosis?"
   "The patient is suffering from acute money lust and power mania,
Dr. Stojko." Kristi answered in like manner.
   "Treatment?" asked Elvis S.
   "A vigorous course of mallet therapy." replied Kristi.
   Kristi pulled out a large wooden mallet from a backpack. Nancy had
gotten them from the Disney property stores. She bonked Raisin Cane
hard. Birds twittered, the sound coming from Raisin Cane. Dollar bills
and gold coins swam around his head.
   "Your opinion, Dr. Stojko?" asked Kristi.
   "The patient needs another round." he replied. Elvis S. bonked
Raisin Cane again.

*****************************************************************

   Viktor and Oksana made their way into a large room littered with
office equipment and computers. A man darted between desks,
futiley trying to conceal himself. Oksana and Viktor closed in like
wolves.
   The man saw a door and ran for it. But he was no match for
Oksana's fairylike grace. She caught him easily.
   "What, you can't even break away from a little girl like Oksana?"
chided Viktor.
   "Let me go!" cried the man. "I can make you a great offer."
   "You stupid." said Oksana. "After you try to poison Snickers bar, I
not believe you."
   "You should take up a sport to strengthen yourself." said Viktor.
"Any ideas, Oksana?"
   "Figure skating!" she replied.
   Oksana hauled the man to his feet and said,
   "Axel throw!"
   The man crashed headfirst into a file cabinet. The bottom drawer
opened and his head stuck out.
   Viktor extracted Byrun Hoser and pulled him upright.
   "Not bad." he said. "But you must practice more."
   Viktor tossed Byrun Hoser into the air. On the way down, the man
got caught on a light fixture.
   "He have bad hang-up." observed Oksana.
   Viktor jumped up and knocked the man off the fixture. He crashed
into floor in a heap.
   "Don't let a bad landing get you down." said Viktor. "Let's jump
again!"
   Viktor tossed the man into the wall. Oksana peeled him off and
said,
   "You need to eat better."
   She reached into a bucket, drew out a big chunk of raw liver and
stuffed it down his throat. Then she force-fed him six raw eggs.
   "That better." she said. "Soon you be strong as ox!"

*****************************************************************

   Brian O and Katarina closed in on Lynn Plague. She dodged and hid
but Brian caught her and lifted her.
   "Let me go!" she shouted.
   "As you wish." he replied.
   Her released her and she hit the floor.
   "That's no way to do a twist lift." said Katarina. "Grab her feet."
   Brian and Katarina gave Plague a half-twist and heaved her up. She
fell to floor with a great thump.
   "Katarina, you missed." scolded Brian.
   "We'll have to practice until I get it right." she said.
   It took Brian and Katarina three times to get it right. Two Plague-
shaped indentations in the rock told of their misses.
   "Wasn't that fun?" said Katarina. "I'll bet you feel like bungee
jumping!"
   "No!" shrieked Plague. "I don't feel good."
   "She has an infection!" said Brian. "Where's the penicillin?"
   "The pharmacy is closed, so we'll have to improvise." replied
Katarina. She produced moldy bread and cheese.
   "Open wide!" said Brian, stuffing moldy cheese into Plague's mouth.
   "Yummy!" said Katarina. "Now for some bread!"

*****************************************************************

   Nancy's headset crackled.
   "I've found Jerry." said Gyro. He described Jerry's location.
   "Let's go." said Nancy to Mr. Bill and Wile E.
   The trio raced down a flight of stairs and into a corridor. They ran
down the hall and turned left.
   Jerry was there, holding up an inverted shamrock as talisman.
   "Pathetic." replied Nancy. "Am I an Irish vampire?"
   "I helped you." he said.
   "What, get humiliated on Saturday Night Live?" she replied acidly.
"That's help?"
   "I had to endure abuse because of you!" cried Mr. Bill. " Do
remember Mr. Sluggo and Hands?"
   "But you made much money." replied Jerry.
   "And spent most of it for doctor and hospital bills, jerkoff." said Mr.
Bill.
   "How about me?" spoke Wile E. "All those years of chasing that
stupid roadrunner. All the times I was hit by trucks, trains and
falling rocks. All the times I was blown up. It took $5,000 worth of
therapy just so I could talk again."
   "Please, I was just trying to help!" wailed Jerry.
   "Then why the sign of the Anti-Nancy?" asked Wile E. "Is that how
you treat your clients?"
   "I've heard enough." said Mr. Bill.
   He bonked Jerry with a mallet. Nancy flicked the Holy Hockey Stick
of Antioch. A boxing glove on a spring smacked Jerry.
   "Watch this." said Wile E. with an evil grin.
   The coyote lit a stick of cartoon dynamite and stuck it into Jerry's
mouth. It exploded.
   When the smoke cleared, a soot-blackened Jerry was there. Shortly
afterward his teeth fell out and hit the floor with a tinkling sound.
   Nancy heard applause and turned. Brian, Katarina, Oksana, Viktor,
Kristi and Elvis S. were clapping and laughing.
   Then the Fan Godfather appeared. He hugged Nancy and then went
to Jerry.
   "So you're the one who dares harm her." he said. "Prepare to face
the wrath of a minor deity." The Fan Godfather snapped his fingers.
   Jerry's body glowed. He writhed and twisted. Then he transformed
into a famous comic.
   "You turned him into Jerry Lewis!" gasped Nancy.
   "LLLADDYYYY!" said the former agent to Nancy. "Nice llladyyy!
Let's do a tel-tel-tel-telethon."
   "Good job!" said Mr. Bill to the Fan Godfather.
   "Let's go Sunday driving, pretty llladddyy." said Jerry. "I'll put
flubber in your skates so higher you can jump. I'm a nutty
professor!"
   "I can't bonk him." said Nancy. "He's more pathetic than Gollum."
   "We can." replied Mr. Bill and Wile E. "Boot to the head!"

Epilogue:
   The skaters flew away from the mountain in Stojko's VTOL.
   "Am I glad that's over!" said Nancy to Wile E. "A profitless
venture."
   "Not really." said Wile E. "I have all of IMG's account numbers. You
know about Swiss banks and their account numbers."
   "I do." said Nancy with her famous smile.
   "So do we." chimed her companions. "Let's go to Zurich!"